The more I learn about me the more there is to know. As I delve deeper into who the soul in this human body truly is, I realise I had only been treading on the surface, where it was safe, where I knew I could handle it. But the truth is I never really handled it, I was simply jumping from one puddle to the next reacting in the only way I knew how to for survival.
To the world I was calm and in control (and of course my signature crazy whimsical), behind the scenes it was a chaotic mess of scrambling to put the props in place as the curtain raised before me. I never ever felt in control, I never felt deeply connected, and I understand now it was simply because I didn’t know who I was and what I wanted.
I was great at doing everything I could humanly possibly do for the safety and well being of my child, her health, her education, and along that path I met some really wonderful people, but it wasn’t me, it wasn’t who I truly am, I was just swept away in it all, just as a wave collects the shells along the shore and carries them out into darker depths. I thought being a mother was giving up my soul for the happiness of another, but in doing that I swam out into depths I wasn’t meant to, there was no balance, no way of surviving these extremes, I fell deeper, I lost me.
I’d pop up, breathe and see the sunshine between each ebb and flow thinking that was how it was meant to be, just a glimmer between the fury of the waves not understanding that if I just moved along the beach a little further I’d find a place that was comfortable for me where I could swim deeper without the constant fear of being dragged away or drowning.
The thing with getting to the right beach is I had to find my path there, and to know my path I have to know who I truly am…
I’ve spent quite a lot of solitary time working and searching, digging and putting the pieces together of me. I have by no means completed this puzzle, I feel that is a lifetimes work, as we grow with each breath and move forward with each step, but I feel my compass has turned, I can make out my true north, it’s by no means close, but it is on the horizon.
I am taking the time daily for me, living more authentically in my everyday, feeling each moment with a calmness I thought was not in my possession. I am also facing the part of me that I thought I should be ashamed of, the part of me that I have tried so hard to hide since childhood, the part that was always pointed out as a weakness, my empathy.
This part of me that feels everything so incredibly deeply, as if I would be washed away by my own tears over another’s hardship. I feel it all and as I age it feels as though the well within has reached its capacity and I can no longer hide these emotions from the world but instead I have to wear them as my armour, my superpower. It’s not an easy wave to ride, I have many a time been sucked below the wave breathless, thinking I would never resurface from its clutches, but with the help of some incredible souls I’m learning to understand it not as a weakness, but see it as a strength, that I do have a strong connection with all on this earth, it is OK to FEEL, it’s who I am, it’s my superpower and just as any superhero has to learn to use that power so do I.
In embracing my superpower I’m providing a healthy role model for my daughter which in turns allows her to live her life more authentically. Not to mention my day-to-day communication with the world, in expressing who I truly am, how I truly feel instead of just skimming over the parts that pull at my heart and not being ashamed of it, my confidence is slowly growing. If something is too much it is up to me to honour that and turn in another direction, for I am the only one who can nurture my soul in this intimate way.
If you are yet to allow yourself to look in that mirror, I encourage you to do so. To find the time to love and honour you for who you truly are. The busyness of the world can and will wait, in loving and honouring you, you will shine brighter, your love connection with others will deepen and your heart will radiate like never before and you my dear are so worth all of this and more. xx