A lot of us will breeze through life like a god damn champion, others of us will have no choice but to look in the mirror and work on our shit and issues. It’s an interesting way to roll as you go deeper within to find out exactly who you are and work out what in hell you want to be doing. It just seems to unwind like a never ending ball of wool, I like to use the analogy of wool, because it never comes off the roll perfect, there always seems to be a bit snagged here or there and it is usually not the most streamline process.
I’ve touched on this subject in a previous post and I could label myself as an introverted extrovert but fuck the labels. I’m the sort of person who is reserved and quiet when I first meet you, then as I get to know you and feel a sense of safeness with you, I will emerge and you will meet the real me, the sarcastic me that swears and rudely jokes like a complete twat. The real me, the part of me that’s hidden from so many due to years of awesome conditioning and being the “people pleasing, good girl”.
The one always doing the right thing, saying the right words, helping whenever humanly possible for me to do so, you know the one I mean, the one who could never say no, the girl who everyone thinks is kind and lovely but a tad on the bland and uninteresting side as she has no colourful opinions to share in her quest not to offend anyone and make situations or life difficult for them, the one who is constantly thinking and overthinking her every word to keep the peace. The girl who really hadn’t given a fuck about what she wants, feels or thinks as long as everyone else is comfortable, seriously I had gone as far as where I had actually created several different facebook pages over the years of things I was interested in sharing, because I didn’t want to bombard people “friends” with who I really am!
Sounds completely dumb and over the top, but at that stage of my life I couldn’t bare to think I’d offended or annoyed someone and the thought of them unfriending me because they were sick of all my posts, but yes now I am totally cool with being unfriended and I’d rather someone who feels they’re not vibing with me to do so, that way we can both go live life in the direction we are headed. That’s the funny thing with humans, that crazy conditioning that you have to remain friends with someone forever even though you have didly squat in common now. People change, life changes, we grow up, we are always growing up, but how many people stay miserable in relationships of any kind because they don’t want to offend another when they no longer see life through the same tint of glasses.
But yep that’s me, WAS ME, that’s the role I chose to take all these years. The reality is even if you are a nice people pleasing person, people are still going to gossip about you and make shit up and be an arsehole to you, and why? Well a good percentage of the time, they’re simply not happy where they are in life so it makes them feel better to pull a happy person down to their miserable level, remember the loving quote, it’s always the bully who needs the most love and attention. But like every good book, there is an end. Depending on the amount of effort you’re putting into this chameleon role, you get sick and tired of it, you get to a stage where you just don’t have the energy to continually step up and play that part, to continually put yourself at the end of the list.
Yep I’ll admit dying on my arse with Adrenal Fatigue and disappearing into a dark hole of depression over the last couple of years and wacking on a shitload of weight was the start of my journey, obviously I needed to get to the shitty low point so I could find a better way for myself to live life.
I spent most of last night awake buzzing, mind out of the gutter peeps, it wasn’t because I had a device between my legs hahaha, not because I consumed caffeine, because anyone who knows me well, knows how I roll with that hahaha, but I just felt alive with so much running through my head, and I don’t mean in one of those over worrying replaying events scenarios. This was totally opposite to that depressing shit.
Maybe it’s from a month on the Ketogenic diet without all the sugar and carbs and my head has finally come out of the fog after a lifetime of not knowing what it was to truly be awake and aware. Maybe I’ve overdosed on listening to Abraham Hicks, if you haven’t, I recommend you do, it will blow the way you have been conditioned to think.
Maybe I’ve hit an age where I have the option to choose to truly live life or continue with control, conditioning and people pleasing…. who honestly knows.
It’s funny because I grew up in a controlled environment, always did as I was told to please others and grew into a person who had great control, (OK I won’t lie, except with chocolate). But then I had a child who threw a complete spanner in the works and turned my life upside down. There are times I do sit and feel sorry for her first few years in the world as her mother hid away from the world struggling with post natal depression and made a fuck up of most of those early days of her life, but I am a believer that we chose our parents and the contrast in which we are willing to learn from and the fact that she has told me she remembers choosing me does give me some relief in that matter.
Being predisposed to mental illness is a bit of a fucker, throw in autism, dyslexia and some OCD and you would really wonder how the hell I manage to function on a daily basis, but I’m a tad biased and think I’m doing pretty alright. Yep for sure, sometimes I have moments when I feel bad that I unknowingly passed all of this on to our daughter in a much stronger dose, but I do believe that these so called disadvantages can help shape us to become better than what we thought possible had we not had them.
I’ve finally come to a point in my life where I’m truly happy to be me. For as long as I can remember I honestly hated me and everything about me. Fucks me how Jason fell in love with me and my shit, but bless that gorgeous loving man for hanging in there. I just didn’t have the strength within to see myself differently and to actually love who I am. I think back and try to remember when I started to hate me so much, where I noticed I didn’t fit in like a “normal” person would. Maybe it was all those years back when I was in kindergarten and primary school when I was commonly mistaken for a boy and that’s when the self conscious, do whatever I can to please people so they be nice to me truly started. Fast forward to now I have a 13 year old daughter who chopped off all her thick long hair after years of me not letting her and doesn’t give a right royal fuck if people think she looks like a boy.
Lol the blue tracksuit did nothing for helping the matter of confusion.
Savannah on the other hand absolutely rocks her short hair!
A daughter who after years of torment from others is no longer scared at her tender age to truly be herself, even if that means she is sitting by herself instead of trying to fit in with others she doesn’t feel a connection with. I am finding that this young woman has actually become a role model to me and isn’t afraid to tell me if I’m stepping back into people pleasing mode. I’m in love with the adult she is becoming. Yep she has one hell of a strong spirit, holy fuck have I met my match and then some!! But I believe that allowing and empowering her to grow forward into her true self will prevent her from getting so many years down the track and having to work out where the bloody hell she lost herself. I don’t regret a single part of my life, good, bad or ugly, everything I have experienced has led me to where I am now and shaped me into the person I am, sure I’ve got many more people pleasing parts I need to let go of. I believe we never truly master this thing called life.
We learn, we turn new corners, we are ever evolving, we always have the choice to change the person we are and the direction in which we are heading. Am I the same person I was even 12 months ago, no, I could easily say I’m not the same person I was 2 months ago, I also think now I’m no longer homeschooling and Savannah is at high school and thriving, I can let go a bit more, I have finally found some time to find who it is that I actually am. And I totally understand not everyone is lucky enough to have their days to themselves to work shit like this out, but I am incredibly appreciative of my life and don’t take any of it for granted.
So as I continue on this crazy little adventure of life in a human body, I wish you all nothing but pure happiness and love. We all carry within us truly beautiful gifts, but the question is, who is strong enough to dig within and reveal theirs to the world?
With heart felt love and blessings Julie xx