I do seriously wonder if it’s just me, but I doubt it, I can’t be the only one, you see I’m really feeling a strong urge this year to just be my authentic self and drop all the blah blah bullshit of pretending to be someone else just to fit in with the way society is meant to roll.
The reality is normal is not my style. I used to be so bloody self conscious of it and try to fit in so perfectly, god knows how much fucking energy I wasted or hours of my life trying to be someone who could just fit in, and hide awesomely in the background as some kind of ghost girl and never be noticed.
I was recently talking to a gorgeous soul from high school who is organising our 25 year reunion, hats off to her for taking on that task! I left school in grade 11 for full time employment, I didn’t do the grade 12, senior year bonding, everyone having a fabulous time together, going to parties, building memories they’d treasure forever.
I honestly never felt I fitted in, I felt like some sort of alien on the wrong planet, I was an awkward sort of girl, with a crazy head of hair, which I tried so hard to hide behind. I tried to fit in and be cool like the other kids so I didn’t stand out, and I said to her I doubt anyone would actually remember who I was anyway. Her reply was, “we remember you, you were just quiet”. So right there in that reply was my confirmation, obviously exactly what I needed to hear.
Even though you think you’re hiding from the world, people notice you. So why not just be you and be noticed for who you truly are, instead of some role of a pretend person that isn’t you that you’re using all your energy to play?
I want to provide you with a little bit of Julieism…. (i.e. who the hell I am)
See the thing with me is, people may read this and see my pretty and professional graphics and think wow she’s so creative and professional! Umm hell no, I’m a self taught artist who also taught her self some photoshop along the way. Like really, WTF is professional anyway? It’s just people playing a role thinking trying to be some sort of awesome in somebody else’s eyes. At the end of the day isn’t it just a game of pretending? To me personally, it’s not authentic, it’s just for show, it’s a mask.
My mother was recently in hospital for major surgery and had to spend a week in a room with 3 other women, one of which talked non stop about how her and her husband travel the world and own their own BnB and are buying the latest model Mercedes Benz, meanwhile, her husband only visited her at night time and parked in the free Emergency drop off parking, she was in a Public hospital, so was not paying for private health cover and treated each woman in the room including my mother like they were beneath her. The thing was, it was all for show, this woman held her own worth in showing off some material things, it ‘s all she had, it was a role she was playing, it was a mask.
So now that the real me has finally emerged, and the masks have be left behind, who am I?
I’m not a serious professional business woman! And to be truly honest, serious and professional bore the shit out of me! I love happy, vibrant, fun loving, soul nurturing peeps who are out there living life high on the joy of just being alive.
I seriously don’t ever want to change the person I am, I’ve done the pretend to fit in, mix and mingle networky blah blah blah and I gotta say it so wasn’t my cup of tea. Even recently Jason and I were invited to a swanky restaurant in the city for a function, and look this place was gorgeous, I was drooling over the pics on the internet, and I would so love to dine there, but not to sit and pretend and make up small talk, my soul was screaming NO! If I went along to a place like that I would want to have a fabulous fucking time with my peeps who love to live life and be authentic. So Jason wen along alone, and what did I do instead…
Hung out all by myself in our hotel room, don’t feel sorry for me, I had a fabulous time watching the gorgeous colours of the winter sunset, listening to the crazy buzz of the city and it’s inhabitants, eating takeout, drinking bubbly and watching crap on youtube!
I seriously had the best time and totes recommend it to everyone!!
It was truly soul nurturing.
I’m a real person, I’m a mum, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, an ear for your confusion, and a mouth to match with suggestions. I’m me, and I’ve come to a place in my life where I’m pretty bloody happy with the person I am, I really like me, well actually I Love me, I am happy to say I would love to be my friend. And I do not say that just to make my story look good.
For the majority of my life, I didn’t like me! I was embarrassed by me! I was ashamed of me! I pretty much hated most things about me! I didn’t even like my name! And I know that sounds pretty hard core and I know people who have known me my entire life are reading this thinking, but you’ve always been such a darling, kind little thing, and hey don’t discard me just yet, I still am that, but that’s all I had to offer the world! The rest was a mask!
I was weak, I mean very weak, like depression weak! I let the world tread all over me like I expected them to, I never ever ever expected anything good, exciting, amazing, wonderful or mind blowing to happen to me ever, I was at the complete opposite end of that ship! I was not in a good relationship with me at all! If I was Jason I would of bailed years ago lol, but he didn’t and today we happily celebrate 21 years of marriage, so for that I am truly appreciative.
Well fuck Julie I didn’t know that! I know right, because I wore my mask and I played the part so well. A talent of females with Autism is that they are the best impersonators around, because we just copy what we think is acceptable socially, I watch our daughter do it all the time.
And I had still been doing it up until recently, I didn’t care about my dreams, I was just trying to get through life and be a good role model and mother. Who was I copying, why my own mother of course. In my eyes, my mother rocks, she plays the perfect mother role, she’s always there for us, always making sure we are fed, always helping keep our homes in order, always doing everything for everyone else, she is a machine, seriously the woman never stops, even now recovering from her major surgery she is still up and going every single day as much as her body will allow.
The problem was, I was trying to be all of this, and be the perfect mother and devoting my life to our daughters education, yep I was trying to be my mum. The only difference is my mother worked full time and wasn’t able to help out at school. The reality is, that’s not who I was meant to be and yes it took it’s toll on me, it took 40 years but this mask wearing pretending bullshit finally took it’s toll!
I went down BIG time! I reached that darkness where you wonder if the world really needs you around, and why does it need you, what the hell am I here for anyway. So look I get it when people think there’s no hope and why go on any further, and I don’t say that lightly, I feel it from the depths of my soul. But I wonder, are they like I was? Are they tired of playing a role that isn’t them? Do they feel forced to play that role? Are they scared to be themselves? Are they longing to find out who they really are and step into that fully?
It’s taken me the last couple of years trying to get my shit together and drop all the bullshit that just truly isn’t me. And look that didn’t come easy, I did workshops and courses, seeked professional help and did a whole lot of alone time searching my soul for who I am, for who was really hiding within me, beneath all the masks.
So what did I find, well what I should say is, what am I finding? Why?
Because the fact is, I don’t ever think we are whole, I truly believe we are always wanting more of something, always changing, always evolving, but so far this is what I’ve uncovered..
If you wanna talk real genuine nitty gritty shit about the universe and our vibrations and how we think and how our thoughts shape the person we are, I’m there!
If you wanna talk all highly educated, proper blah blah, I’m not there!
If you wanna be a complete clown and have fun, I’m there!
If you wanna act all lady like and set ridiculous judgy high standards for yourself and others, I’m not there!
If you wanna laugh your arse off and drop the F bomb, because it’s a “normal” part of who you are, I’m there!
If you feel compelled to speak all proper and punctuated correctly, I’m not there! Reality, I have dyslexia, my vocab is so limited, I don’t even know what the words you are using mean hahaha….
If you wanna chill the fuck out and create some art or some other DIY fun, I’m there!
If you wanna gossip and bring other people down, I’m not there!
If you wanna talk about how awesome alternative health is, I’m there!
If you wanna rant and rave about how mainstream is the only way to live, because you’re secretly brainwashed, I’m not there!
If you wanna sit, play and smell essential oils, until you can’t work out which one is which, I’m there!
If you wanna attend some boring arse seminar with a bunch of stuck up people, I’m not there!
If you wanna watch a romance or comedy movie, I’m there!
If you wanna watch some horrific blood and gutz thriller, I am so not there!
If you barely turn on your TV because there’s so much bullshit on it, I’m with ya!
If you sit with the radio or TV on all day listening to all the news broadcasts, I running the hell away from you!!
I could add so much more to this, but I’ll stop there, I’m sure by now you get the idea of who I am.
What I want to do is challenge you to find out…
WHO ARE YOU?
And look if you’re already living your authentic life, you know who you are, you’re not trying to please anyone else in any way, well then that is fan fucking tastic!! And I truly salute you, and look forward to walking along side of you when I finally get my shit together!
But if you know that shit’s gotta change in yourself and you want it to change soon, why not start with this one.